cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
