he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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