Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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