I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Randomize
