Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
