there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
