Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
As shirtless as possible
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
