Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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