i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
