i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
