Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
