I can tuck mytits in my pants
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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