This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I CAN MOONWALK!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
