My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
