somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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