I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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