she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
