Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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