i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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