I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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