Your mouth is God's brothel.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
