i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
