The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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