moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
