I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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