i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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