omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
