Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
