We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
