you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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