Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
