so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
