haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
