I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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