Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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