We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
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She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
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My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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