i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
