There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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