Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The struggles of a small town man whore
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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