i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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