you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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