phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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