we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
