I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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