He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
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There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
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Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped