Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
