I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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