That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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