you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Never underestimate the power of titties
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
