i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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