sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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