I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
