If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
