Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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