I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
