What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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