This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
