fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
time to smoke my breakfast
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
