I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
